And of course, as tolerant as some people are about seeing you nurse, the tolerance decreases exponentially after the age of six months. I was a "nurse anytime anywhere" mom, knowing my baby's need for food outweighed anything else. I've never had a bad nursing experience anywhere, even with Maya, who hated to be covered. And although I enjoyed nursing exclusively, along with everything that came along with it, I am admittedly glad to be past that stage and into a new stage, where although we still have the relationship, she can be comforted and her needs can be met with a snack or a drink when we are out and about. It just isn't comfortable - for me - to nurse a 33 pound child in public (although if you've done it, kudos) - besides, shes far too busy for that these days. She's growing - her independence speaking louder and louder everyday, longing to dress herself and lead the way and march ahead. Spoon feeding, using a fork, and eating at the table like a big girl. Asking for Mickey on TV, counting, speaking three word sentences ("more milk, please"), playing with her brother. Dressing up, opening the fridge herself to get her cup out of the door, putting food in the play microwave (or occasionally her baby doll), saying "beep beep" as she pushes the button. Singing songs, expressing her opinion, and demanding attention when she wants it.
She shrieks, screams, and drives her brother crazy. She refuses to listen, runs away with a knowing smirk on her face - she cleans up when she feels like, and destroy and dumps things when she doesn't (which is more often). She knocks down towers, plays hide and seek with Alex, and bursts out of her hiding place before he's had a chance to finish counting.
She is everything a 22 month old should be - strong willed, opinionated, and only cuddly on her own terms.
And at night, after we have read "Good night moon", "mr. Brown can moo" and "Elmo's valentine", she's still mine for about fifteen minutes when she actually is still - the one nursing session we have left.
Soon she will be done - on her term, God willing - I am sensing that that time is coming soon. She is starting to be restless, and pull off, several times before I put her in bed and she holds up her arm and one finger for "one" hug. She is like me - sensing she is almost ready to be done but yet hanging on.
Tonight, she stopped and said "iss. iss. iss!" I wasn't sure what she was asking - I mainly know her language, but this was a new one to me. "what?" I asked. "iss!" there was a sense of urgency. Then she pulled up into a sitting position and gave me a huge kiss. Then, "mo milk pease."
I just held her and kissed her and took her in as much as I could.
Even as little as she gets of the liquid gold anymore holds nutritional value - a single DROP contains around one million white blood cells!!! Modern science, as much as they claim to be close, has not and will never be able to reproduce what is TRULY meant for babies. The World Health Organization now recommends nursing until two.. Which sounded outlandish to me at one point in my life, but now, here we are!
And regardless of the science behind it, the bond is what I wouldn't trade for the world. Her little fingers curled around mine, and her body, finally calm after a busy day of learning and playing.
Everything you go through the first few weeks - the soreness, the exhaustion, the frustration, the feeling that you don't even get three minutes to go to the bathroom (let alone take a shower) ... The piles of dishes, the laundry (or in my case, the LACK of clean laundry), the take-out food, the diapers... None of it matters. Your child won't remember any of it - but the bond you create will shape who they are. At the very heart and center of themselves.
And that, my friends, is worth-it. It was worth-it to me. It was priceless for her. My house will be clean again someday, down the road. Maybe one day I'll be "that mom who has it all together." but for now, I have no plan and no timeline. I am just enjoying as it comes. And if I could share one thing with new parents - it would be to try to do just that. I just wanted to try to grab this fleeting moment as it passed and document my emotions tonight. I am proud that we are still going. And I want to remember that feeling.
