*I know that my readers are few, but faithful! Usually this blog serves to be more informative - telling what we've been up to, sharing pictures, sharing videos. And I love it for that. But tonight, I needed and outlet and I've sort of bared my soul here - it might happen from time to time - I hope you're okay with it :)

Wow! I'm really having quite the emotional night over here. On one hand, I'm so excited that Maya is turning one. I can't wait to celebrate with friends and family tomorrow. I'm up late waiting for the cake pops to firm up in the freezer before I dip them, one last thing before I go to bed, and I got caught up looking at all of Maya's newborn and baby pictures, and of course now I am walking down memory lane and I can't seem to stop!

I find myself looking through the pictures of Maya and thinking, "I didn't enjoy that enough" or "I didn't treasure that enough when it happened" - everything I was seeing I was thinking that I didn't hang onto the moment as well as I could have or should have.

But it's not actually true.

In hindsight, at first, it seems like a fleeting moment - something that went by that I barely caught. But then looking at it and thinking about it - REALLY thinking about it - since it actually is so fresh, I still can reach back and remember that I DID appreciate it. I can still dig back deep and get back in that moment.

I remember making the conscious choice to let her sleep on my chest and on me in those first few weeks - knowing there was a sink full of dishes, but knowing that she didn't want to be anywhere else, and neither did I.

I remember attempting the co-sleeper that attached to the bed, but then resigning myself to the living room and spending a few nights in the recliner - because she slept better on me - and I, well, sort of slept.

I remember when we first transitioned her to her crib it was sad, because I was used to having her in the room with us - but I knew, deep down, that it was best for her, and for us.

I am so glad that I discovered baby-wearing this time around and was able to wear Maya in the sling - and I wore her OFTEN. Having her close to me created a connection between her and I that is absolutely amazing - and, despite some people saying that it would create a child who wouldn't "want to leave mommy", I will tell you that it has quite the opposite effect - because she is secure in her knowledge that I am near, she is brave. She is adventurous. She is the most independent baby that I have ever seen - and between foster care and working in childcare, I have seen a LOT of babies!

I started out the walk down memory lane focusing on the negative - that it went too fast, that the moments and memories flew by so quickly that I couldn't grasp them - that I didn't document it properly, took too many mom-breaks and wasn't 100% present all the time, missed things.

It's not the time for regret or focusing on the bitter part of bittersweet - no, it's the time to count my blessings. It was truly in God's time that this all happened - how many people can say that they got to spend their baby's first year, at home with them, while getting PAID to stay at home (via unemployment?).

It was perfect. I got to be home with Maya and spend days with her, while her big brother started kindergarten - he had his time with me, and because he was starting school, his sister got time with me too. The timing could not have been more perfect - and, I got to BE HERE.

It was everything I could have wanted for the first year of her life - in fact, it was much, much more.

Yes - she's one - she's fiesty, and her personality is dynamic and she's going to be off and running soon - and I'll have her "terrible two's" and her toddler years to contend with.

But for now, I just have to be present - because the present is good. Her first year was good.

Everything.. is good.